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Submitted on
January 23, 2010
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        His ripped shirt is barely visible in the dust and smoke. He kneels in the rubble, bloody faded jeans loose on his hips, tan skin lined with ragged cuts and bruises underneath. Long dark hair, now dusty white and matted with blood, ripples in the wind like a tattered flag of surrender.
        He can't feel the pain.

        Broken jaws whisper of sadness.
        Broken voices scream of loss.

        And his broken eyes turn toward the ground, shadowed with fear and weakness. He clutches his head in scarring hands, ignoring the sharp debris biting his legs. He stares vacantly at the cracked concrete lying in the dust.
        He can't see it at all.

        Young eyes glisten with tears.
        Young lips move with a prayer.

        He knows they're gone, and he can't feel his heart. It was crushed in the disaster, destroyed in the riots and their screams of desperation.
        He's holding a piece of jagged metal in his hand, and he turns it to look at his reflection: tortured eyes and cheekbones lined with tear tracks. He closes eyes that have lost their tears, and puts it against his forearm, biting his lip in fear. And he drags it across his aching skin, where three lines of blood appear, one for each love he'll never get back.
        He holds his stinging arm against his chest, letting the blood stain his heart.

        The tears fall to the dust.
        And he stands up, with the strength of a child.
This story is dedicated to all the Haitian people who have lost loved ones in the recent earthquake.

The recent disaster in Haiti inspired me to write this, as a memorial to those who have lost their lives among the wreckage of Port-au-Prince*. As soon as I saw some of the videos of what had happened, I knew I was going to write about it.

The earthquake happened on January 12th, so obviously, this took me some time to create. I was really uncertain as to what I wanted to focus on, and whether I was really able to create anything worthy to commemorate the pain of those who were effected by the earthquake.
Eventually, I saw a video at a church worship service that had a powerful impact on me, and I connected it to ~Godhelp's image. It was then that I knew I was going to write a personal story. Not a retelling of the disaster, but a story with one boy and his pain.

Still, it took about four days to get that figured out, too. :faint: I didn't want to rush it. I'm really glad to finally get this out there.

Suddenly you'll fly,
With the strength of a child.

There's not much to say for technique. I wrote this in less than an hour, if you don't count the days and days of thinking or the amount of time I lay in my bed, whirling with thoughts and emotions.

I guess I'd like to say that I tailored the writing style to fit the story, not the other way around something that I think is a good way to write. Also, I intentionally gave very little concrete information about this boy, hoping that he would symbolize much more than a single person.

Special Mentions
~Godhelp's image (see Other Deviations) gave me a lot of inspiration.
~cherrichan13 (I don't know what I'd do without her.)

For #theWrittenRevolution members: Is there too much description? What do you think of the layout?

This was featured in #Xpose-it's 10 Piece Literature Feature.
It was also featured by =DailyLitDeviations in the January 24th news article, and it was "pick of the day."
Thanks a lot. :faint:

Other Deviations
After Fire

2010 Jonathon Reed
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Your words have had such an impact on me. I don't usually watch the news and read the papers, but reading this before the author's comments, I knew exactly what this was about.

The way you described everything so perfectly, creating a perfect image in my head of what was going on, it's stunning to see such talent.

Not many people would write of such a tragedy, as far as I have browsed, but I think you've pulled it off in quite a way that the people of Haiti would see you as their god. Well, not quite. :P

The technique you used I have seen before, but it really fits with this piece and gives it a more personal flow.

This piece is a work of pure genius, and I would give it three :+fav:s if I could.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
8 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

This is a vividly portrayed piece and highly appropriate, obviously. You have captured the feeling of loss and desperation effectively, and I am sure I am not the only one who wishes to thank you for it. Now, time to break up the mood and begin with my silly little nitpicks. =/

First of all, I noticed that most of your sentences follow the same structure. Take these sentences, for instance:

"He kneels in the rubble, bloody faded jeans loose on his hips, revealing tan skin lined with scratches and bruises."

"Long dark hair, now dusty white and matted with blood, flutters raggedly in the wind, like a flag of surrender."

"And his broken eyes turn towards the ground, flaring with fear and weakness."

...I'm sure you're getting the idea. These sentences have a few things in common: they start with a few modifiers, tell us their subject and their verb, and then give us a clause of description (i.e., those that begin with a comma).

This is a hard habit to break. That, and it could just be the way I see it, but the structure gets somewhat tired and predictable after reading sentence after sentence that share such similar structure. Remember that sometimes such sentences can be broken down into clearer, simpler ones. Complex sentences are good and definitely can prevent a piece from sounding too choppy, but a balance between the two is even better.

I also noticed that you rely on many adjectives and adverbs to paint the picture. And they do, don't get me wrong, but in places they seem to put unnecessary weight on the overall image, particularly in the first paragraph. Remember that precise nouns and verbs should be priority, and adjectives and adverbs the helpers.

Overall, though, I really did enjoy this piece. It portrays everything I think you intended it to portray, so of course take my commentary with a grain of salt. Good luck to you and keep writing.:)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
23 out of 23 deviants thought this was fair.

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LightOverpowers58 Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Student Writer
May the Haitian people recover and prosper, lovely words.

This piece has been featured here.
sleepykarie91 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for writing this.
stintzi Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2011  Student Artist
I feel sorry for the Haitians
jonathoncomfortreed Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student Photographer
Yeh. :\
curlycutie17 Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2011  Student General Artist
Beautiful. Heart rendering and touching. You have done amazingly well. =)
jonathoncomfortreed Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2011  Student Photographer
:tighthug: Thank you.
curlycutie17 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2011  Student General Artist
Most welcome! It was simply lovely! :D Enjoyed reading it.
jdepp101 Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2010  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
truly and absolutely beautiful. somebody has talent....
jonathoncomfortreed Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2010  Student Photographer
Thank you so much. :heart:
ru-kitsuneJ Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2010
Astounding. :o
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