Highway DreamingThey're living on cheap ramen and hopeless dreams. He wants to be a world-famous brain surgeon and she wants to be more things than she can count on one hand. Sometimes they fight about her leaving her lipstick in the sink or when he doesn't pick up orange juice at the grocery store. But they're happy, even with the cracked paint and terrible plumbing. Every morning at 7:08 he catches the 7:15 train to the university and she takes their battered old Sedan to her job at the highway tolls. She likes to make up stories about the more interesting cars to tell him later. The bedside lamp is on, her voice humming low in her throat, and he drifts qu
Well I saw that *cherrichan13 had posted a critique so I wasn't going to write one. But I've realised that I have points that she didn't make. So I'll just write you my own critique, shall I?
The first paragraph is really excellent. Definitely a great start. Only problem was "Ramen" ... I couldn't figure out why it was capitalized, or why you didn't just write pasta. (We discussed this and I now suggest you write "cheap ramen.") The rest was fantastic, and I like that you related it to the title already.
"he doesn't seem to remember how to use his thumbs." That seemed a little strange to me. I would've put something about his hands trembling instead of this. But that's just me. I like how they're both critical to surgery. Gave me a sense of trepidation.
"very scary thing. So she sits next to him on the worn sofa in her socked feet and lets him be scared."The use of "scary/scared" seems repetitive. Go for some variation. (Other than that, I love that line.)
"she can feel him breathe for the first time in what must have been hours." That's really good.
"he told her" You used the wrong tense. And you should indent the dialogue. And I think you should try it without italics.
"PB&J" I don't like that. And "footie" should be "footy/footed"
"she reminds him." I can sort of understand why you'd use that verb, but I don't think it works here.
"coaxes" should be "asks" in my opinion.
Great ending. The only general problem with this is that it feels rushed, but I think *cherrichan13 has expatiated on that. Other than that, really well done.